this isnt a blog, but i need to let it out somewhere. back to the darkest part of myself without even me realising. its something that no one ever wants to go through. a part of me where i lost myself. the first tumblr account shows it all. this second account was supposed to be a new beginning for you this year. maybe i should delete everything.
its been 2 months now, been coping with an hour nap every single day. in and out of school, work and activities. im not asking for sympathy, but honestly saying, had only 4 days of sleep during these past 2 months.
yes, im exhausted. yes, im unstable. yes, i need help. i just need to stop. myself from all these self recriminating. stop blaming myself for every little part of my life that went wrong. need to stop bottling up every emotion filled with anger and sadness. stop all the useless suicidal thoughts. or you’re going to explode and hurt yourself even more.
i know there’s no one i can turn to. not letting anyone get close. really got to accept the fact that i’m never going to be good enough for anyone. she deserve someone who’s even better than me. some things are hard to let go, I get that. But what’s the point of holding on to something that’s already let go of me? i know feelings don’t die easily because we keep feeding them with memories, that’s what makes it so hard to move on. been spending most of my nights staring at the wall, listening to songs, watching tv or doing some useless crying because i really really miss that someone.
all i know now is that i need to stop all of these negative thinking.. just dont lose myself. not again. not ever. i know its hard. i know its fucking difficult. have faith. be strong Di. whatever happens, happens. just breathe…